1992 Playground Psychotics
""Here Comes The Gear, Lads""
[Aynsley:] Here comes the gear, lads!
[Howard:] Dunbar . . .
[Jeff:] "Here comes the gear, lads"
[Howard:] I'm telling you man . . .
[Jeff:] Sounds like a Beatles cartoon
[Howard:] Key down
[Aynsley:] Just keep your mouth shut, you . . . Curly!
[?:] Look at those cars! The race cars
[Mark:] Sure sounds like the Beatles cartoon, "Hey, John Lennon here . . . "
[Jeff:] "Hey, Wankers, there goes the gear"
[Pilot:] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is your passenger agent. I'd like to welcome you to aboard United's flight 664 to Spokane. We're departing in just a few more minutes. We'll just be a . . . couple minutes delayed due to loading some extra baggage.
[Mark:] Could that be ours?
[Pilot:] I'd like to remind you that the, the bags you've carried on, that they should be stored underneath the seat in front of you . . .
[Mark:] Howard?
[Pilot:] During the flight . . .
[Howard:] Uh, yes, Mark . . .
[Mark:] Would you like some film?
[Howard:] I would
[Pilot:] Hope you have a pleasant trip, and . . . thank you for flying United
[Stewardess:] Good night, all
Ha ha!
Now, the trip . . .
This is great!
"The Living Garbage Truck"
[includes quotes from Mona Bone Jakon (Cat Stevens) and Long Hot Summer Night (Jimi Hendrix)]
[Bruce:] Bruce [?] . . .
[FZ:] What?
[Bruce:] From Reprise Records
[FZ:] Hi, there, how you doing?
[Bruce:] How you doing? Nice to see you again
[FZ:] Alright
[Bruce:] How's it going?
[FZ:] Well, it's alright
[Bruce:] Good. Hey, we got a neat publicity stunt we'd like to try
[FZ:] What's the stunt?
[Bruce:] We got a garbage truck we'd like to get some pictures of you and the Mothers on it
[FZ:] That's probably one of the most terrible ideas I've ever heard in my life! We're going down there?
[Bruce:] Yeah!
[Mark:] You'd love it, you know that?
[Bruce:] And, uh, we got that news paper here to cover it and, uh, plus, the front of the chart and stuff
[FZ:] The front of the chart . . .
[Bruce:] Yes, the, uh, FM chart that's put over here in Vancouver as a distribution for fifty thousand
[FZ:] What do you think, Dick?
[Dick:] What? A photo at the garbage truck?
[Bruce:] I think it's really gonna be a great idea, I really do
. . . on the other side of that
"But it won't be lonely for long . . . "
What's the deal?
[Howard:] Must we stand amidst the scum to get the idea across?
"Where are you on this ah long hot summer
Where are you on this ah . . . "
[Mark:] Are we going in it?
You think you can possibly . . . with the foot there?
"A Typical Sound Check"
[includes a quote from Whole Lotta Love (Page/Plant/Jones/Bonham)]
[Mark:] All skate. Men only!
[Aynsley:] Man, shou . . . shoulda put the fuckin' [?]
[?:] Gotta put that sign on the front, man
[?:] Got to get that sign on the front
[?:] [?] sign of the bass player
[Aynsley:] Because I . . . I'm gonna have to find [?] I'm gonna take about five minutes with the other thing in there in time to go on
[?:] Get some more weirdness
[?:] Hey man
[?:] Hey, it's far right here
[?:] [?] together?
[?:] It's far right there
[?:] Well . . .
[?:] Perverse!
[George:] Hey, I'm still an hour here
[Mark:] See it, my washboard's in the car
[?:] What?
[Aynsley:] See, they gotta have two holes here
[?:] Ah!
[Jeff:] Yeah
[?:] Washboards . . .
[Jeff:] Oh we got our amps switched. I should be having . . .
[Mark:]
If you do not hear me
You may now walk out
For I am here
And I am talking . . .
""This Is Neat""
[Howard:] This is neat!
[Jeff:] Spending a night in the motel
[Howard:] This is about the neatest Holiday Inn I've seen in days.
The rooms are in Foon's name, hey? Look at that, wild coyotes!
[FZ:] Ha ha ha ha!
[Mark:] Okay, uh, you guys are gonna wait while I go in and check?
[FZ:] Yeah, you're the straightest looking member, so
[Howard:] Really, why don't you go in and see if you . . .
[Mark:] Yeah, man, right over there, right behind that car
[Howard:] Singles!
[Mark:] They're already set up that way, sure
[Howard:] Oh. Good.
"The Motel Lobby"
[includes a quote from Blue Moon (Hart/Rodgers)]
[Howard:] Sure, man, and I'll go until two and I'm gonna be in there supporting 'em, in fact I'll sit in with those guys. I'm into it, I'll sing a little "Blue Moon . . . "
[Mark:] Hey man . . .
[Dick:] Listen, this is a nice place, man, it's got a beautiful room . . .
[Howard:] Don't give me that man, it's plastic city, it bites, the guy behind . . .
[Dick:] Relax and enjoy some of the wo-, wonderments of nature . . .
[Howard:] No no no no, the guy behind the desk is a werewolf. You can't give me any of that, the chick over there's been dead for twenty minutes. I'm hip to this place, I've seen 'em in my sleep, man
[Dick:] Hey, listen, I've never seen you this way, man
[Howard:] No, man, I'm not keyed at all
[Dick:] You're unpleasant
[Howard:] I'm not unpleasant! I can't wait to sign the card and check into my little closet. Unpack my leather cape, hang it up on the wall, get out the washboard, put away my nitty books and get into it! I'm gonna go down and cruise in that lounge, man, I'm gonna have . . .
[Dick:] Watch this, it's right in there, just step right in
[Howard:] I'm gonna take a look
[?:] Hello, Frank . . .
[Howard:] Ooohoowwoh!
[Mark:] Hey, what is this, man? Is this the can-can room?
[Howard:] This place waits for us, man
[Mark:] This place waits us! Is there a piano?
[Howard:] There's a juke box with a lotta hokie country songs on it. I am coming in here and getting blotto in about ten minutes
[Mark:] Oh, man, me too!
"Getting Stewed"
[Howard:] Yes, ladies and gentlemen, coming to you direct from high atop the Konrad Adenauer Inn. Just a short forty five minute rocket flight, from where Cape Canaveral meets the Alcan Highway, twenty minutes down Route 66, just a short hop skip and a jump from the corner of Sunset and Fifth avenue. High atop one Fifth avenue where we're listening to the rancid rhythms of Riles Mizzinnitz and his music to make you wanna throw up. Yes, and coming up right after this, ladies and gentlemen, The Five Rancid Fingers of Ben Zedrine and his . . .
[Mark:] Strings . . .
[Howard:] Silly side and cut ups, yes, ladies and gentlemen, here we go into another . . . thing. No, not into another thing, ladies and gentlemen, I'm glad, because it's time to say that you're listening to the National Bum Rushing Company and we're all sitting around the table here stewed, ladies and gentlemen, and we're sitting here in Spokane, Washington
[Mark:] Right on
[Howard:] Would beyond the reef
[Mark:] Can Can
[Howard:] I hope this is it, because I can't go on crooning forever, come on in, boys!
"The Motel Room"
[Aynsley:] Leaving in fifteen minutes, Frank
[Howard:] I've never been . . . underwear!
" . . . funny"
[Mark:] Fantastic! The world were meant for you
[Howard:] Hey man, anyone checked out that show that's on called "TV . . . "
[Aynsley:] Yeah . . . show . . .
[Howard:] "TV Around the World," a BBC show. The lowest
""Don't Take Me Down""
[includes a quote from If I Were King Of The Forest (Harburg/Arlen)]
[Dick: (Snorks)]
[Howard:] "Not duke, not queen, but king." You haven't lost your touch, Gnarler, you can snort with the best of 'em
[Mark:] This guy said that a couple of guys have broken in the doors and shit
[Howard:] Oh, great, a riot! Just like Berlin!
[Mark:] They broke indoors 'cause there is a hassle about the bread or something, the money
[?:] Can I carry your brief?
[Mark:] No, thanks
[?:] No?
[Howard:] Can I brief your carry?
[Mark:] I'll do it
[Howard:] Really! Would you be my wife for an hour?
[Howard:] Right on! Right on!
([Opening Act:] Thank you very much)
[Howard:] Right on!
([Opening Act:] That's right, don't take me down. Don't do it)
[Howard:] Don't do it! Don't take me down! I don't wanna go down no more!
"The Dressing Room"
Big John Mazmanian!
Gas Rhonda!
Funny Car!
Sunday!
[FZ:] Thank you
[Aynsley:] You're welcome
[Howard:] Hey, listen!
[Mark:] My throat . . .
[Howard:] Send me twelve eight by ten glossies in Monday's mail
[?:] Fifty bucks a piece
[Howard:] Fifty bucks a piece? Cheap at twice the price. Call my service
[?:] Right
[Howard:] Thanks a lot man, would really . . . A funny door!
"Learning "Penis Dimension""
[Mark:] "Hi, friends. Now just be honest about it, friends and neighbours. Did you ever consider the possibility that your penis, and in the case of many dignified ladies, that size of the tities themselves might possibly provide elements of sub-conscious tension . . . "
[Howard:] See, the trouble here, Frank, lies in the fact that on that sheet it says "that size," it doesn't say "that the size" therefore . . .
[FZ:] Get a pencil and write in "that the size"
[Mark:] Could I have a . . .
[Howard:] Well, I'm sorry
[Mark:] " . . . weird, twisted anxieties which could force a person to become a politician, a policeman, a narc, a casket maker . . . "
[FZ:] An usher!
[Jeff:] A musician
[Mark:] "Or in the case of the ladies, the ones that can't afford a silicon beef-up, become writers of hot books!"
[Howard:] "I placed my burning phallus between her quivering quim!"
[Mark:] "A carmelite nun!"
[Howard:] "She placed my burning phallus between her quivering quim!"
[Mark:] "Or jockeys! There is no reason why you or your loved one should suffer. Things are bad enough already without the size of your organ adding even more misery to the troubles of the world! If you are a lady with munchkin tits, you can't console yourself with this age old line . . . "
[FZ:] No, "you can console yourself"
[Mark:] "You can console yourself with this age old line from . . . "
[Howard:] Simmons!
POOO-HHH! POOO-AHH-AHH!
[Mark:] "And if you're a guy . . . "
[Howard:] "Anything over a mouthful . . . "
[Mark & Howard:] " . . . is wasted!"
[Mark:] "And if you're a guy and you're ashamed of your dick and somebody hits on you one night in a casual conversation and turns to you and says, uh . . . "
[Howard:] "Eight inches or less!"
[Mark:] "You just swivel right back around and look this sonofabitch straight in the eyes, and say . . . "
""You There, With The Hard On!""
[Howard:] You, you there with the hard on!
[FZ:] With the hard on the little napkin in the small pocket mirror, would you please rise . . .
[Mark:] Brian Hyland, ladies and gentlemen!
[Howard:] Sit down, Aynsley! Not you
[?:] Shut up!
[FZ:] Ready?
[Mark:] Yes
[FZ:] Quick! Before these people (beware)
"Divan"
[includes a quote from Tico-Tico no Fuba (Zequinha de Abreu)]
Ballen von Zecken
Und alten Sporthemden, Sporthemden, Sporthemden
Lachen von Feuer
Lachen von Gummi
Lachen von Tranen
(Sheets of tears)
Ooh ooh ooh awh . . .
Lachen von getrocknetem Wasser
(Sheets of drywall and roofing)
Lachen von drywall und roofing
(Sheets of large deprived rumba)
Lachen von riesigen, tief-gefrorenen Rumba
A light shines down from heaven
A dense ecumenical bandana
At the right hand of God's big rumba
And his voice pronounceth out
In sheets of plywood
And bales of old sportshirts
And this is what he said
Beklecker nicht
Beklecker nicht
Beklecker nicht
Beklecker nicht
Mein Sofa!
And you know what that means . . .
"Sleeping In A Jar"
It's the middle of the night
And your mommy & your daddy are sleeping
It's the middle of the night
And your mommy & your daddy are sleeping
SLEEPING
MOM & DAD ARE SLEEPING
SLEEPING IN A JAR . . . (the jar is under the bed)
""Don't Eat There""
[includes a quote from Sleep Dirt]
[Waitress:] Are you having breakfast for lunch?
[Howard:] I'm having breakfast and he's lunched. I'll tell you what, what can you give me immediately? If not sooner, nothing hot, nothing . . . So that by the time he's finished eating those hot cakes and those dead things that I won't finish myself
[Waitress:] Bacon and eggs? Are you, are you gonna have breakfast?
[Dick:] No no no no no
[Howard:] No no
[Dick:] No no no no no
[Howard:] He'll never go for that
[Dick:] No no no, a roll and some orange juice
[?:] . . . Jimmy Graham
[Waitress:] Orange juice and . . . uh . . . a roll, uh-huh?
[Aynsley:] One stale roll
[Dick:] Yeah
[FZ:] Bread and water
[Aynsley:] One stale roll
[Dick:] Bread and water
[Waitress:] Thank you
[Howard:] Frank, you really missed it at the club last night. You should have seen what went on, man, if you would have had your tape recorder there, you would have been rolling on the ground, holding your sides. It was the greatest. Everybody was out of it, drinking wine, cheap wine. And then there was this group, this nice tight little group that was playin' and they did about two numbers, and he said: "Okay, uh, any of you guys wanna come up here?" And of course Old Stewed Simmons was the first one to check out the cat's guitar, and so he immediately procceeded to play lead. This chick came out of the audience, man, a la Janis Joplin in a gold lame, only she was rancid, and she came out there and tried to sing blues changes like Buddy Miles or something, but it just didn't work 'cause she was singing, "Get yourself together . . . You are where it's at . . . ," she did it for like . . . forty minutes, man, it was wonderful . . .
"Super Grease"
[includes a quote from Lady Of The Island (Graham Nash)]
Ooooooh Aaaaaah
Ooooh
Aaaah
[Howard:] Poor baby!
[FZ:] Oooooh . . . Don't like the Greek food in this neighborhood, hey?
Oooooh . . .
[FZ:] Tell me the truth, what did you eat?
[Mark:] I ate . . .
[FZ:] Tell me the truth, what did you eat?
[Howard:] I had a Shish kebab
[FZ:] Tell me the truth, what did you eat? You didn't eat?
[Mark:] I was having chicken . . .
[FZ:] You didn't eat?
[Howard:] He didn't eat anything. He drank wine
[Mark:] With, uh, spinnach . . .
[FZ:] What did you eat?
[Mark:] And boiled potatoes . . .
[Jim:] I had a roller skate
[Mark:] Not just any grease but . . .
GREASE
The browness of her body
Makes me sweat inside my crotch
I want so much to kiss her
But I/she smells of rancid botch
Do do do do do do
Oooooooh wagh!
[Mark:] Grease, grease, I tell ya, all I had was grease, it cost me two dollars and thirty five cents, it was nothing but a plate of grease
[Howard:] And a wine tasted like . . .
"Wonderful Wino"
L.A. in the summer of '69
I went downtown and bought me some wine
Oh, I drank it down under the table
I said: "Watch me now, I'm gonna eat the label!"
Well I'm a wino man
Don't you know I am?
36, 24, hips about 30
I seen a fine lady and I started talkin' dirty
Boy, she looked over at me and she raised the thumb
She said: "Jam down the road, you fun-ba-bum-bum"
I'm a wino man
Don't you know I am?
I went to the country
And while I was gone
I lost control of my body functions
On a roller-headed lady's front lawn
I'm so ashamed, but I'm a wino man
I can't help myself
I've been drinkin' all night till my eyes got red
Stumbled on the gutter and busted my head
Bugs in my zoot suit, been scratchin' like a dog
I can't stand no water, and I stink like a hog
Give me a five dollar bill
And an overcoat too
Give me a five dollar bill
And an overcoat too
A five dollar bill and an overcoat too
A five dollar bill and a Florsheim shoe
"Sharleena"
I'm cryin'
I'm cryin'
Cryin' for Sharleena,
Can't you see
I called up all my baby's friends
'N ask'n urn
Where she done went
But nobody 'round here seems to know
Where my Sharleena's been
Where my Sharleena's been
Ten long years I have been lovin' her
Ten long years
And I thought deep down in my heart
She was mine
Ten long years I been lovin' her
Ten long years
I would call her my baby, and now,
I'm always cryin'
I would be so delighted
I.would be so delighted
If they would just
Send her on home to me
"Cruising For Burgers"
I must be free
My fake I.D.
Freeeeeees me
Gotta do a few things
To make my life complete
I gotta live my life
Out on the street
The difference between us
Is not very far
Cruising for burgers
In daddy's new car
My phony freedom card
Brings to me
Instantly
ECSTASY
"Diptheria Blues"
Back [?] a hundred years ago
There wasn't anyway you can go down here in Florida
Mississippi
[?]
Any of [?] things
Then you got your home [?]
And you got your own things
And you got your soul brothers
Hundred years ago [?]
Would never [?] it was
[?]
[?] background, ladies and gentlemen
[?] brownie diphtheria harmonica blues
[?] Asthma Mark
And the Funk Brothers
Good God!
Good God!
[?]
What is this?
I can't stand it
I can't really [?] a heartbreak
You just warm me up
Take it to my pocket please
Take it to my hometown
Take it to my strawhat
Take it in my blue [?]
They send me down by the scarecrow
And they say
Hey, boy
You better picking bluebirds all day long
It's about time you really got it on
And I know you brothers got rhythm and you got soul
Somebody you play some, I mean
We gotta have one on every block
Just to show how cool we are
I'm staying [?] and all of this
What's that rag you're listening here
Would be [Joe Brown and the Twistmen], boy
Would take your women back to their shed
We're gonna use you to make me feel, boy
Then we're gonna sit down and [?] on you
[?]
Fine [?] Asthma Mark
They used to say, play that thing there for more
Play the harmonica, boy
Play that thing
Asthma Mark goes free, yeah!
[?] what?
Asthma Mark goes free, yeah!
Free yeah!
Free yeah!
Carlos Santana, ladies and gentlemen!
Good God!
Don't break that bottle, brother Aynsley
It's all we got
So Asthma Mark would sit on the corner
And he would play his Diphtheria Blues on this corner
And people will come from miles around
To see Asthma Mark a-wheezing and a-playing
A-playing and a-wheezing
And spewing
And a-foaming
They say
We love you, Asthma Mark
And we sing with him
Go Diphtheria Blues
I can't breath
I can't breath
My blow's a sweater
Miles of water and
[?]
Oh, I can't stand it
What's gonna happen to me
Oh Diphtheria got me down
Oh San Antonio epidemic out
Oh [?]
Oh Diphtheria Blues
[?] say
Gonna play in this [?]
Gonna [?] through
[?] on the back
[?]
[?] in my place
[?] here
[?] funky blues
Diphtheria Blues
Got me down
Diphtheria Blues
Got me down
Can't stand it no more
Diphtheria Blues
Just [?]
[?]
Diphtheria Blues
Diphtheria Blues
Diphtheria Blues, yeah
Diphtheria Blues, oh
Diphtheria Blues [?]
Can't stand it
Oh no
Oh no
OW!
OW!
HOO-AAHHH!
Diphtheria Blues
Diphtheria Blues
Diphtheria Blues
Diphtheria Blues
Can't stand it
Oh no
Oh no
Diphtheria Blues
Diphtheria Blues
Play that thing Asthma Mark
Good God!
Good God!
Amen . . .
[John Lennon:] Okay?
[FZ:] Sit down and cool it for a minute so you can hear what we're gonna do!
[John Lennon:] Yeah, this is a song I used to sing when I was in The Cavern in Liverpool, I haven't done it since so . . . Two, three, four . . .
"Well"
You know I love you, baby, please, don't go, well, well
You know I love you, baby, please, don't go, well, well
You know I love you, honey, child
'Cause nothing I wouldn't do for you right now
You know I love you, baby, please, don't go, well
You know I love you, baby, please, don't go
You know I love you, baby, please, don't go
You know I love you, honey, child
Nothing I wouldn't do for you right now
Y'know I love you, baby, please, don't go, well
Zappa!
You know I want you, baby, please, don't go, well, well
You know I want you, baby, please, don't go
You know I love you, honey, child
'Cause nothing I wouldn't do for you right now
You know I want you, baby, please, don't go, well
Well, you know I love you, baby, please, don't go, well
You know I love you, baby, please, don't go
You know I love you, honey, child
'Cause nothing I wouldn't do for you right now
I know I love you, baby, please, don't go, well
Yeah!
"Say Please"
Please!
Say please!
[FZ:] We take turns conducting
[John Lennon:] Okay
"Scum Bag"
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Eh, yo, yeah, yo
Scum Bag
(Gonna put all my posessions in a)
Scum Bag
(Gonna shut my damn pa-jamas in a)
Scum Bag
(Gonna put my dirty movies in a)
Scum Bag
(Gonna put my Yoko records in a)
Scum Bag
(Gonna put my old high school in a)
Scum Bag
(Everybody, everybody, by the)
Scum Bag
(Oh, my pretty baby, do the)
Scum Bag
(Everybody)
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
(Oh, Yoko's in a)
Scum Bag
(Everybody, everybody)
Scum Bag
Scum Bag!
(All God's children gotta)
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag!
Oh, Scum Bag
Ah, ooh, gotta Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Choo choo choo . . .
Scum Bag, Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
[FZ:] Hey, listen! I don't know whether you can tell what the words are to this song, but there's only two of them, and I'd like to have you sing along 'cause it's real easy. Anybody who comes to the Fillmore East can sing the song. The name of the song is "Scum Bag," okay? And all you gotta do is sing "Scum Bag." Right on, brothers and sisters, let's hear it for the Scum Bag!
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Come on, come on, come on
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag, baby, Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag, baby
Scum Bag, baby
Scum Bag, baby
Scum Bag, baby
Scum Bag to me, baby
Scum Bag
(Scum Bag to me, baby)
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
(Scum Bag to me baby)
Scum Bag
SCUM BAG
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Do the Scum Bag, hey
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
(Scum Bag, hey)
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Answer now
Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag . . .
Ooh, Scum Bag
Scum Bag
Scum-bag
Scum-bag
Scum-baaag
Scum-baaag
Scum-baaaaag
Scum-baaaag, scum-baaaag, scum-baaag . . .
[FZ:] Good night, boys and girls!
"A Small Eternity With Yoko Ono"
[FZ:] Good night!
[John Lennon:] Good night, thank you!
[Yoko Ono:] Thank, thank you
[John Lennon:] We'd like to thank Frank for having us on here
[Yoko Ono:] Yeah, he's great, isn't he? He's the greatest . . .
"Beer Shampoo"
[Mark:] That's the kind of guy [?]
[Aynsley:] When you just stopped it was running on your head
[Howard:] Well I had to do an Edward Arnold slow-burn, man, there was nothing else I could do, 'cept play it for all it was worth
[Aynsley:] I said the only other thing to do is go get another can of beer and pour it over HIS head . . .
[Howard:] Well, it was already getting silly, man. I mean, it was remedial as it is, I think . . .
[FZ:] Ha ha!
[Howard:] Let's not make it too childish
[Aynsley:] [?]
[Mark:] Every night for a year and a half, man, no matter how sick I was, or how I felt on stage . . .
[?:] Howie [?]
[Mark:] He, I used to sing, he used to sing "How is the weather" in "Happy Together" and pour a whole glass of water over my head, man, and he liked it so much that he made it an integral part of the show, the kids loved it, so I just let it keep happening
[Aynsley:] He can't stand it, man, that's all . . .
[Mark:] And you're just a pansy ass, kiss ass little girl . . .
[?:] Ha ha ha!
[Mark:] Simmons!
[Howard:] Beer is another thing, man! I'm fucking soaked!
[Mark:] They use beer in some shampoos, Howard
[Howard:] I don't give a shit, that's all I know it that water would dry up and not stain, and he ruined my shoes, man! I can't believe it
[?:] Ohhh!
[Mark:] Materialist!
[Howard:] Hey lookit, Pat McGregor!
[Mark:] Materialistic! Materialistic!
[Howard:] You're the dude who said . . .
[scuffle]
[FZ:] Oh oh oh!
[Mark:] Materialist!
[?:] Ohhh
[Howard:] Don't do it to you, I don't have any beer, man
[Aynsley:] Okay
[Mark:] "New York's so lonely . . . "
[Howard:] I can't even . . . you keep your hands off me you creep
[Mark:] "And you are the only . . . "
[Jeff:] You creep, ha ha!
[Howard:] Stop it, man!
"Champagne Lecture"
[FZ:] You know, a lotsa of people don't bother about their friends in the VEGETABLE KINGDOM. They think, "What can I say? What can a person who is new to the Midwest say to a vegetable?"
[Howard:] Suss it out, wankers!
[Mark:] Suss it out, wankers!
[Mark & Howard:] Suss it out, wankers!
[Jeff:] Suss it out, wankers
[FZ:] Suss it out, wankers!
[Mark & Howard:] Suss it out, wankers!
[Aynsley:] Suss it out, wankers . . . what's the matter with you?
[Howard:] Aynsley Dunbar!
[FZ:] And after sussed it out, wankers . . .
[Mark:] Ok
[FZ:] You go and get yourself a big bottle of champagne!
[Mothers:] AAAH!
[FZ:] Find yourself a young vegetable victim!
[Mothers:] Yeah!
[FZ:] Take your young vegetable victim . . . Step one, now this is very important, you have to do it exactly this way. Bring the band on down behind me, boys, this gets technnical! First: You get a Polaroid camera . . .
[Mothers:] Yeah!
[FZ:] And you make one good jump, from a balcony to another balcony on the seventh floor of the Sheraton Hotel in Jacksonville
[Howard:] Aynsley Dunbar, ladies and gentlemen
[FZ:] When you land on the other balcony with your Polaroid camera, something like this . . .
[Mothers:] Heeey!
[FZ:] Shoot off one good flashbulb catching . . . The agent will immediately turn around and say, "You know, I sure would like to have that photograph." You walk up to the agent and say, "Well, ha, funny you should mention it, I have this photograph here and just about time to develop it, yes it turned out great, it shows both of you here, and I'll give you this photograph if you'll give me the munchkin vegetable that you're with in order that I might make a few more pictures . . . " So you make a quick trade, holding the champagne bottle in abeyance until the rest of the members of your band have jumped over the same balcony . . .
[Mothers:] Eeeeeeeeh!
[FZ:] And come in and taken their places around the bed where the munchkin vegetable is laid out, posing: Leg up in the air and legs down, legs to the side. Then, after some deft manipulation of the vital parts of the munchkin vegetable . . .
[Jeff:] Hey, I want some baby to hold my tool and squeeze it
[FZ:] With one masterful stroke -you might use several masterful strokes- shake up the magnum of champagne to a foamy froth, holding your thumb over the end of it . . .
[Aynsley:] No, no, no . . . not the cork in, Frank, you pull the cork out . . . Suss it out, wankers!
[Howard:] They're a hip audience, Frank, they know what's gonna happen next!
[FZ:] After the band has given you their complete attention, and is watching closely for the precise moment of the detonation of the alcoholic beverage into the vital organ, you give a sort of casual glance around the bedroom of the Sheraton, a suave little smile and wink one eye, adjust your bow tie, and just stuff it right in there!
[Mothers:] Aaaah!
[FZ:] And then you tell 'em how you feel. You whip it right out, take a snort off of it . . .
[Howard:] How do you feel?
[Mark:] Aynsley Dunbar . . .
[FZ:] No, no, no . . .
"Childish Perversions"
[?:] Oh, still drinks it, man . . . what a man! Gotta prove himself!
[?:] Talk about childish perversions!
[?:] Where's Simmons?
[?:] It don't matter, he's in the, he's gettin' out of it, man, he's no. . .
[Aynsley:] He knew what he's got out, man
[Howard:] I'll get him in it . . .
[Aynsley:] Lemme, lemme tell you something . . .
[Howard:] Say, you give me the cue and you let me know when is safe . . .
[Aynsley:] Ok, man, I don't mind being poured on my head, when I'm saturate . . . you can pour it on my head, any time
[Howard:] I don't wanna pour it on your head, man
[George:] What I'm waiting for, man?
[Aynsley:] Just shut up, Georgie
[?:] There he is, man
[Howard:] Fucking creep, I can't even stand it! You, you're so child I can't even believe it, man!
[Mark:] For a year and a half you used to pour water over my head
[Howard:] Water! It's what . . . I could have stood water!
[?:] Well, what I'm saying is . . .
[Howard:] He did it to me
[?:] A little bit . . .
[Howard:] A little bit? Feel that! It's still wet, man!
[?:] Well, listen, [?] look at that
[?:] We'll listen, man
[?:] Take me
[?:] Take me
[?:] I don't wanna hear . . .
[?:] Take me!
[?:] Take me, I'm yours!
[?:] I'll take you late, man!
[?:] It don't mean anything now, man! I hear you ranting and raving and you were gonna get me, man
[Mark:] What are you saying, man?
[?:] I was up on the second floor of the stairs, he's goin', "Wow, man!" [?] his voice it was getting uptight with eeeeeh!
[Mark:] What are you talking about, man? Nobody plotted to get you! You [?]
[?:] No, I mean just now!
[Mark:] You . . . Oh, that!
[?:] I didn't mean . . . No one plotted get me, no one wants to get me
[Mark:] Howard did
[?:] Now you do
[Mark:] I wanna get you . . . I'm gonna get you
[?:] Oh, yeah . . . get me, man
"Playground Psychotics"
[?:] Put that mike down, Frank, it's obscene
[?:] [?]
[George:] Give me my little cup of brown sauce, let me dip my meat in
[?:] Oh, man
[Jeff:] Hundred dollars for Pinto beans, playground psychotics
[?:] I slipped my burning phallus in her quivering quim!
[?:] You like to offend these passengers, Underwood? Keep quiet!
[?:] Underwood, the only thing that offends are your green socks! Green velour!
[?:] Hot wets
[?:] Could you, could you repeat that?
[?:] . . . of your mind
[?:] Now, just take your hand off my leg
[?:] Take your hand off my leg
[?:] Listen, what is this? Okay, grab my tit, I'll sit still, you pervert. Howard, you're so low
[?:] The Andy Devine school of voice, you are low, Dunbar
[?:] I just keep . . .
[Aynsley:] I always keep it low ya, 'cause I'm only after one thing
[?:] God, you are an incredible man
[?:] Who?
[?:] Haven't any of the chics you've gone out with seen through you yet?
[Aynsley:] No, man, they're still quite like me
"The Mud Shark Interview"
[includes The Look Of Love (Bacharach/David) and Wives And Lovers (Bacharach/David) as background music]
[FZ:] What's your name?
[Mr Tickman:] I'm Martin Tickman
[FZ:] And what is your position here?
[Mr Tickman:] Front office manager
[FZ:] The name of this stablishment is . . . ?
[Mr Tickman:] This is the Edgewater Inn
[FZ:] In Seattle, Washington. Can you tell me, uh, how some rock'n'roll groups have taken advantage of this unique situation?
[Mr Tickman:] They've taken advantage in different ways, and we do encourage, uh, and advertise that you can fish from your room and we are glad to have our guests fish from 'em
[FZ:] Do you supply them with fishing equipment?
[Mr Tickman:] No, but we have a shop in the hotel that does rent the equipment as well as bait
[FZ:] What sort of bait do they usually use?
[Mr Tickman:] Uh, it's a preserved minnow of some variety, I don't know exactly what the fish is
[FZ:] Well, what do they do after they fish from the window?
[Mr Tickman:] Well, rock'n'roll bands and other guests as well often catch shark and squid and octopus and usually we, it lands up either in the bath tub or dribbled on the floor on the way to the bath tub
[FZ:] Mm-mmh . . .
[Mr Tickman:] But it's not reserved to, uh, to any rock'n'roll bands, I mean, other guests do it too
[FZ:] Mm-mmh, but how frequently do you find squids and sharks and octopuses in the bath tubs of the rooms here at the hotel?
[Mr Tickman:] After almost any good weekend of pretty heavy occupancy, say like over half the house filled
[FZ:] If you have over the . . .
[Mr Tickman:] Way, way . . .
[FZ:] . . . over half house filled you'd find one, say?
[Mr Tickman:] Yeah, say, one or something like that
[FZ:] So how often would you say that is each week? Twice a week you'd find a . . . ?
[Mr Tickman:] Well, I would, I don't know that I would say that it would average to anything like that, you may find on four or five rooms with fish from various places, you know, around. But there's not much you can do with the shark after you've caught him, you know, some of these things are pretty big
[FZ:] What would you imagine is done with these, uh, sharks after they've been caught before they are left, uh, for you to be cleaned up?
[Mr Tickman:] Sometimes the guest calls the houseman or housekeeper to haul it away because there's nothing that they can do with it
[FZ:] Yeah, well. Have you ever heard of any other things that were done with them before they were hauled away?
[Mr Tickman:] Yes, a lot of, some people like to, uh, perform vivisection on 'em, or something like that. Occasionally you find that little bit of mess . . .
[FZ:] Yeah
[Mr Tickman:] I'll say that the, the, the "blood on the carpet" syndrome is rather, eh, rather rare, but it did occasionally happen
[FZ:] Do you ever find fish blood on the sheets of your beds here?
[Mr Tickman:] Not identifiable as such, no . . .
[FZ:] I see. Do you know of any stories about, uh, bizarre sexual activities performed with squid, octopus and mud sharks here in your rooms?
[Mr Tickman:] No . . . I should think a mud shark would be a little uncomfortable, since their skin is so sandy but, uh, never heard of anyone having it with an octopus
""There's No Lust In Jazz""
Okay, it's, uh, just about time, you guys, what d'you say?
[?]
Uh . . .
One?
Rolling?
Rolling . . . Frank is rolling
Rolling? It's rolling . . . ?
One!
Test two
Test . . . three
Oh, now this is what I call brotherly love
Man, chics are really harm, man. Now there are tits
Hey you're taking between that baby [?]
Aaaaah . . .
No stopping!
Oh, I'm telling you . . .
There is a chic where I'm hung
Oh yes . . . And she enjoys every moment
She wants you Dick
She's waiting for your big . . .
Now listen
Bwana?
She said give me the guy with the throb
AAH!
Oh . . . really?
Okay, enough
What can you say?
See you later
See, this is what happens when you join up a rock group, George, get off that jazz syndrome . . . there's no lust in jazz
"Botulism On The Hoof"
[Howard:] Oh, that's really great! Botulism on the hoof!
[Dick:] Don't even look at it, Howard, you're over the deadline
[Jeff:] The new fascist ensemble says that you can't have anything to eat, man, 'cause you're over the deadline
[Howard:] What's that mean?
[Dick:] I told you to be down here at noon, man, you're five minutes late, so you can't order, listen, listen . . .
[Howard:] You . . . told [?], man
[Dick:] These guys ordered like ten minutes ago
[Howard:] It's like having Ronald Reagan for a road manager . . . what can you make me in two minutes?
[Dick:] The deal is that, uh . . .
[Howard:] . . . besides sick!
[Dick:] If you help me, uh, . . . for the airport, man, you be able to woof down some kind of scarf out there
[Howard:] What do you mean, "Woof down some kind of scarf out there"?
[Dick:] Then you can stick your fingers in your nose
[Howard:] I'm hungry, man
[Dick:] Eat a payday candy bar
[Howard:] Listen, how about a little dry cereal? How 'bout an orange juice
[Dick:] Never happened, man
[Jeff:] Hey, get it on tape, that Barber is a doofus, man
"You Got Your Armies"
[Jeff:] Let me tell you right now, man, you got your armies, you got your rock bands.
You try and turn a rock band into an army, this is what you get
"The Spew King"
[Howard:] I think the big problem, Ian, is that it sort of gotta go "HOO-HAA!" as you do it. HOO-WAAARGH!
[Ian:] You're gonna be the king, the spew king, really
[?:] Disintegrated in two seconds
[Howard:] Walter Dale
[?:] Oh, God, there's a few people here, I didn't
[?:] There are a lot people here
[?:] My God
[?:] They're all twelve years old and pimply
[Aynsley:] Are they penetratable?
"I'm Doomed"
[Howard:] We gotta do two shows tonight?
[Dick:] Yeah, I hope you don't use up your vital . . . statistics
[Howard:] I'm doomed. Two shows, man . . .
[Dick:] Never two shows important, I mean
[Howard:] Couldn't have spared me another twenty minutes sleep, another three hours worth of sleep, coul have driven down?
[Dick:] I cut it to the bare minimum, Howard
[Howard:] Yeah, man, you're O.D.'ing on Preparation H at this very moment
"Status Back Baby"
[includes a quote from Petrushka (Stravinsky)]
Ooo-Ooo-Ooo [etc.]
AH-AH WA WA WA WA WA WA WAH!
I'm losin' status at the high school
I used to think that it was my school . . .
BOW WOW WOW WOW!
I was the king of every school activity
But that's no more . . . oh mama!
What will come of me?
The other night we painted posters
They played some records by the Coasters
BOW WOW WOW WOW!
A bunch of pom-pom girls looked down their nose at me.
They had painted tons of posters; I had painted three.
I hear the secret whispers everywhere I go
My school spirit is at an all-time low . . . BLA-A-A-A!
I'm losing status at the high school
I used to think that it was my school . . .
BOW WOW WOW WOW!
Everyone in town knows I'm a hand-some football star
I sing & dance & spray my hair & drive a shiny car
I'm friendly & I'm charming . . . I belong to De Molay
I'm gonna try like mad to get my status back today!
Status back baby
Status back baby
Status back baby
Status back baby
"The London Cab Tape"
[London
Probably November 29, 1970]
[Howard:] This fucking guy is flipped out, man! I'll be locked up!
[?:] Who, me . . . ?
Yeah, you too!
[?:] It was anti-semitic of me to bring it up
[?:] Why, you don't like Jews, man?
[?:] Let me make it perfectly clear, [?] I don't mind that you are Jew, stay out . . . Take your Bar Mitzvah man, and shove it
[?:] I never had a Bar Mitzvah
[?:] You ever had a Yamulka, man?
[?:] No, I wore one once, though . . .
[?:] I knew it
[?:] What's wrong? You don't like 'em, man? That was [?] my cowboy hat . . .
[?:] [?] Just keep it out of my way, man, I don't wanna see that Yamulka on stage ever . . .
[?:] Uh . . . well, I don't know, man, that'd be sorta neat, not in this group of course, but tomorrow
[?:] Alright, alright . . .
[?:] Howard Kaylan World!
[?:] The Yamulka
[FZ:] Ha ha ha!
[?:] Dear Frank, thanks for paying a hundred twenty three dollars for my meal in Amsterdam, which I hated!
[?:] I mean it, man
[?:] I really enjoy playing in your little own ensemble
[?:] For a day or so
[?:] Thanks for bringing a little slice of sunshine into my life
[?:] Thanks for showing me how sh . . . shitty the music business could really be, I thought I knew
[?:] Thanks for make [?] worst bass player in the world
[?:] After six months with the Mothers I figured I've lost everything I've ever had
"Concentration Moon, Part One"
[Fillmore East, NYC
June 5-6, 1971]
Concentration Moon
(Over the camp in the valley)
Over the camp in the valley
(Concentration Moon)
(OH WHAT A)
Concentration Moon
(I wish I was back in the alley)
Wish I was back in the alley
With all of my friends,
Still running free:
(Running free!)
Hair growing out
Every hole in me
(That's right, you heard right:
Hair growing out
Every hole in me!)
AMERICAN WAY
How did it start?
Thousands of creeps
Killed in the park
AMERICAN WAY
Try and explain
Scab of a nation
Driven insane
Don't cry
Gotta go bye bye
SUDDENLY: DIE DIE
COP KILL A CREEP! pow pow pow
[FZ:] And speaking of creeps, here they are, ladies and gentlemen . . .
"The Sanzini Brothers"
[Fillmore East, NYC
June 5-6, 1971]
[FZ:] The Sanzini Brothers!
[Howard:] The Sanzini Brothers!
[Howard:] Ladies and gentlemen, tonight by special request, we're going to repeat a trick that we performed last night. We hope that you will bear with, if you saw it, we hope that you enjoy it again . . .
[?:] Yeah, yeah, yeah
[Howard:] My brothers Adolf, Rudolph, Pissoff, and Jackoff. The Sanzini Brothers. And we'd like to perform for you tonight the world famous "Sodomy Trick"!
Complete silence, please!
The Sodomy Trick!
Quiet . . .
Hop!
Hop!
Hop!
Hop!
Little Carl . . .
""It's A Good Thing We Get Paid To Do This""
[Kensington Palace Hotel
1st script reading of "200 Motels"
January 18, 1971]
[Mark:] It's a good thing we get paid to do this. I could be in L.A., getting reamed, listening to an Elton John album
[Howard:] Don't even talk about getting reamed. Listen, I've been without female companionship for so long, a career as a Jesuit monk was inviting, Ian is starting to look good to me
[George:] Must be his green velour socks!
[Mark:] Just calm down there, Duke. Ever since you left the jazz world to seek fame and fortune in the rock'n'roll industry . . .
[Jeff:] What do you mean rock'n'roll? This fucking band doesn't even play rock'n'roll, it's all that comedy crap!
[Ian:] If we play any rock'n'roll we might make some money. I wouldn't mind playing some rock'n'roll, uh, I like classical music too, but that doesn't mean I wouln't enjoy playing rock'n'roll. I mean, it's not very challenging, intelectually, but I wouldn't mind if we did some rock'n'roll. We could vote on it
[Jeff:] Vote on it, for what? To tell Zappa we wanna play some good music instead of this comedy shit . . . ?
[Aynsley:] I wouldn't mind playing some more rock'n'roll, it'd be more commercial, sort of heavy, four parts harmony, group vocals and a very heavy beat, that the kids could enjoy it. I think we'd definitely make more money that way
[Ian:] Maybe after we finish the movie we could play more rock'n'roll
[Mark:] Yeah! We all quit and form other groups and play more rock'n'roll
[Jeff:] And more blues, extended blues, blues that's still down and funky, even though you extended it. George knows what I'm talking about, don't you, George?
[George:] Leave me out of it, I come from the jazz world. I know all about these groups that get formed and disappear, with their extensions waving in the moonlight
[Mark:] You just calm down there, Duke
[Jeff:] Maybe we could all form a group, we can elect a leader . . . Howard . . . we can call it Howard Kaylan World.
[Ian:] We wouldn't have to have any leader
[Jeff:] We could just jam a lot
[Aynsley:] There was have to have a really heavy beat and be really commercial so the kids could enjoy it
[Howard:] I want to get laid! I'm so horny I can't stand it!
[Jeff:] Listen, if you think for a minute that anybody likes this comedy music we've been playing you're crazy. That's why you don't get laid, who wants to fuck a comedian! None of these girls can take you seriously
[Mark:] Hey, man, you should be careful talking about that kind of stuff
[Jeff:] Why, does he listen?
[Ian:] He always listens, he's always watching and listening to all the guys in the band. I've been in the band for years and I know, he always listens, believe me
[Jeff:] That's how he gets his material. He listens to us being natural, friendly, humorous and good-natured, then he rips us off, sneaks off in the secret room someplace and boils it in ammonia, and gets it perverted. Then he brings it back to us in rehearsal and makes us play it
[Ian:] I've been in the group for years and let me tell you that is exactly, that is precisely what he does: He steals all his material
[Howard:] And the stuff he doesn't steal, Murray Roman writes for him. Listen, without us he'd be nothing!
"Concentration Moon, Part Two"
[Fillmore East, NYC
June 5-6, 1971]
[FZ:] Carl Sanzini will now join in on the second verse of "Concentration Moon"!
[Howard:] Why don't you?
Concentration Moon
Over the camp in the valley
(OH WHAT A)
Concentration Moon
Wish I was back in the alley
With all of my friends,
Still running free:
(Carl Sanzini, ladies and gentlemen!)
Hair growing out
Every hole in me
(That's right, you heard right
And here's one for little Carl)
AMERICAN WAY
Threatened by US
Drag a few creeps
Away in a bus
AMERICAN WAY
Prisoner: lock
SMASH EVERY CREEP
IN THE FACE WITH A ROCK
Don't cry
(No no no no)
Don't cry
(No no no, no-no-no no no)
Don't cry
(No no no no)
Don't cry
Don't cry, don't cry
Don't cry, don't cry
Don't shoot (no no no no no)
Don't shoot (no no no no no)
Don't shoot (no no no no no)
Don't shoot (no no no no no)
COP KILL A CREEP!
COP WANT A CREEP!
KILL ANOTHER CREEP!
KILL THE FUCKING CREEP!
"Mom & Dad"
Mama! Mama!
Someone said they made some noise
The cops have shot some girls & boys
You'll sit home & drink all night
They looked too weird . . . it served them right
Mama! Mama!
Someone said they made some noise
The cops have shot some girls & boys
You'll sit home & drink all night
They looked too weird . . . it served them right
Ever take a minute just to show a real emotion
In between the moisture cream & velvet facial lotion?
Ever tell your kids you're glad that they can think?
Ever say you loved 'em? Ever let 'em watch you drink?
Ever wonder why your daughter looked so sad?
It's such a drag to have to love a plastic Mom & Dad
Mama! Mama!
Your child was killed in the park today
Shot by the cops as she quietly lay
By the side of the creeps she knew . . .
They killed her too.
"Intro To Music For Low Budget Orchestra"
[Howard:] Ready, Madge?
[FZ:] You have to feel like . . . Art Laboe
[Howard:] Grow, little trees!
[FZ:] It's spring, the time of the year when all things grow and little buds are sprouting off of them . . .
"Billy The Mountain"
[includes quotes from Pomp and Circumstance March No. 1 in D major (Edward Elgar), Johnny's Theme (Paul Anka), Off We Go Into The Wild Blue Yonder (Crawford), O Mein Papa (Paul Burkhard), Over The Rainbow (Harburg/Arlen), Star-Spangled Banner (Smith/Key), Suite: Judy Blue Eyes (Stephen Stills)]
One, two, three . . .
BILLY the Mountain
BILLY the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife ETHELL,
A tree!
A tree!
BILLY was a mountain
ETHELL was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder
BILLY was a mountain
(BILLY was a mountain!)
ETHELL was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder
(ETHELL was a tree growing off of his shoulder)
(hey, hey hey!)
Billy had two big
Caves for eyes,
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up 'n down,
And whenever it did,
He'd puff out some dust,
And hack up a boulder
(HACK!)
Hack up a boulder
(HACK! HACK!)
Hack up a boulder
(HACK! HACK! HACK!)
Up a boulder
Now, one day, now I believe it was on a Tuesday, a man in a checkered double-knit suit drove up in a large El Dorado Cadillac, leased from BOB SPREEN . . .
("Where the freeways meet in Downey!")
. . . And he laid a HUGE, BULGING ENVELOPE right at the corner of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, that was right where his 'foot' was supposed to be.
Now, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, he couldn't believe it! All those postcards he'd posed for, for ALL OF THOSE YEARS, and finally, now, AT LAST, his Royalties!
Royalties!
Royalties . . .
Royalties!
Royalty check is in, honey!
Yes, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN was RICH! Yes, and his eyeball-caves, they widened in amazement, and his jaw (which was a cliff), well it dropped thirty feet!
A bunch of dust puffed out! Rocks and boulders hacked up, (hack! hack!) crushing 'The LINCOLN'!
I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hocked up a rock and
It TOTALLED my car!
Oh, do you
Know any trucks
Might be bound for THE VALLEY?
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(Dear Lord)
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(No shit!)
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar!
By two o'clock, when the bars are already closed down, BILLY had broken 'THE BIG NEWS' to ETHELL. And with dust and boulders everywhere, BILLY, choked with excitement, announced . . .
"ETHELL, we're going on a VACATION!"
Yes, and they WERE going on a vacation! (Oh, and ETHELL, ETHELL, ETHELL, like every little woman, she of course was very excited! She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her.) BILLY told ETHELL they were going to . . . Yes! They were going to NEW YORK!
"ETHELL, we're going to . . . New York!"
But first they were gonna stop in LAS VEGAS . . .
It's off to LAS VEGAS
to check out the lounges
Pull a few handles,
And drink a few beers,
(Oh, ETHELL!)
ETHELL, my darling,
you know that I love you!
I'm glad we could have a
Vacation this year!
(Oh, NEET-O!)
Glad we could have a
Vacation this year!
They left that night, crunchin' across the Mojave Desert . . . their voices echoing through the canyons of your minds (POO-AAH!)
"ETHELL, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?"
(Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!)
"Ahhh! there's a HOWARD JOHNSONS! Wanna eat some CLAMS?"
The first noteworhty piece of real estate they destroyed was EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE . . .
And TO THIS VERY DAY, 'Wing Nuts' and Data Reduction Clerks alike, speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when TEST STAND #1 and THE ROCKET SLED ITSELF . . . (We have ignition!) . . . got LUNCHED! I said LUNCHED! (Lunched!) By a FAMOUS MOUNTAIN-IN and his SMALL, WOODEN WIFE.
"Word just in to the KTTV News Service undeniably links THIS MOUNTAIN and HIS WIFE to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a San Joaquin Valley SMUT RING! However, we can assure parents in the Southern California area that a recent NARCOTICS CRACK-DOWN, in Torrance, Hawthorne, Lomita, Westchester, Playa Del Rey, Santa Monica, Tujunga, Sunland, San Fernando, Pacoima, Sylmar, Newhall, Canoga Park, Palmdale, Glendale, Irwindale, Rolling Hills, Granada Hills, Shadow Hills,Cheviot Hills, will provide the SECRET EVIDENCE the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a CRIMINAL INDICTMENT, and pave the way for STIFFER LEGISLATION, increased FEDERAL AID, and AVERT A CRIPPLING STRIKE of Bartenders and Veterinarians throughout the INLAND EMPIRE . . . "
WITHIN THE WEEK, Jerry Lewis had hosted a Telethon ("Wah wah wah, nice lady!") to raise funds for the injured (injured . . . ) and homeless (homeless . . . ) in Glendale, as BILLY had just levelled it, and, a few miles right outside of town, BILLY caused a 'Oh Mein Papa' in the Earth's crust, right over the SECRET UNDERGROUND DUMPS (right near the 'Jack-In-The-Box' on Glenoaks) where they keep the POOLS OF OLD POISON GAS, and OBSOLETE GERM BOMBS, just as a FREAK TORNADO cruised through . . .
Yes, it was about three o'clock in the afternoon when little Howard Kaplan was sitting on his porch ( "Toto . . . !") just playing ( "Come on, Toto . . . !") and having a nice time with his little accordion ("Toto . . . !"), and this weird wind came up ("Toto . . . !"), direct from Glendale ("Toto . . . ! Toto . . . !"), blowing these terrible germs in his direction ("Come here, Toto . . . !"), and all of this caused ("Toto . . . !") by a huge mountain ("Aunty Em!")!
"Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly . . . "
. . . sucking up two thirds of it (SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!) for UNTIMELY DISPERSAL over VAST STRETCHES of WATTS!!!
Now, unless I misunderstood, it was right outside of Columbus, Ohio when BILLY received his NOTICE TO REPORT for his INDUCTION PHYSICAL. Now, lemme tell ya, ETHELL said, now ETHELL, ETHELL said she wasn't gonna let him go!
"I'm not gonna let you go, BILLY!"
"THAT'S RIGHT! We now have CONFIRMED REPORTS from an INFORMED ORANGE COUNTY MINISTER, that ETHELL is still an ACTIVE COMMUNIST, and it is This Reporter's Opinion that she also practices (COVEN!) WITCH-CRAFT!"
It was about this time that the telephone rang inside of the SECRET BRIEFCASE belonging to THE ONE MORTAL MAN who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save 'AMERICA HERSELF'! (And I'm sorry to disappoint some of you, it was not Chief Reddin) This one MAN was STUDEBAKER HOCH, fantastic new SUPER HERO of the CURRENT ECONOMIC SLUMP.
(Oh) Now, some folks say he looked like (he was like, he was like) ZUBIN MEHTA (Zubin Mehta); still others say (others say he), bullshit, honey (bullshit, man) he's just another greasy guy who happened to be born next to the Frozen Beef Pies at BONEY'S MARKET. (Others say he was just a, just a) Still others say, John, piss on you, Jack! (crazy Italian) He's just a crazy Italian who drove a RED CAR. You see (nobody knows for sure 'cause he was so), nobody ever really knew for sure, because STUDEBAKER was so-o-o-o-o-o mysterious (mysterious) . . .
HE WAS SO
(He was so, he was so!)
MYSTERIOUS!
HE WAS SO
(He was so, he was so!)
MYSTERIOUS!
'Cuz when a person gets to be
Such a HERO, folks,
And MARVELOUS BEYOND COMPUTE,
You can never REALLY TELL
About a GUY LIKE THAT
(Whether he's really a NICE PERSON
Or if he just SMILES A LOT),
(What?)
Or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO',
Or what?
Whether he's really a NICE PERSON or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO' or what?
Some men say he could FLY
Some men say he could SWIM
Others say he could SING (like NEIL SEDAKA),
And all the girls in FLUSHING
Would be AMAZED of HIM
(Two, Three!)
AMAZED of HIM!
(Amazed!)
(Amazed!)
Time passes . . .
January, February, March, July . . .
Wednesday . . .
August . . .
Irwindale . . .
. . . 2:30 in the afternoon, Sunday, Monday . . .
Funny Cars!
Walnut!
Friday
City of Industry . . .
Big John Mazmanian!
So when the phone rang
In the secret briefcase,
A strong masculine hand
With a Dudley Do-Right wristwatch
And flexy bracelet
GRABBED IT
And answered
In a deep, calmly assured voice:
"So . . . ah . . . yeah, yeah, hello already . . . what? . . . Well, yeah? . . . Ah, are you kidding . . . ? You're not kidding . . . a mountain . . . ? With a tree growing off of its shoulder . . . ? Aw, you're fulla shit, man . . . ah, listen, by the way, before I go on; did you get those white albums I sent ya with the pencil on the front . . . ? Yeah . . . ? Yeah, you should move some of those for me, we're having a lot of . . . listen, so kiss little Jakee on the head . . . and, ah, how's your wife's hemorrhoids? Oh, that's too bad . . . Listen . . . so you've got a mountain, with a tree, listen, causing . . . oh, my! Well, let me write this down . . . sorta take a few notes here . . . yeah . . . ? To El Segundo, huh? Causing UNTOLD DESTRUCTION? (my baby, my baby) Wanted for DRAFT EVASION? An expense account? And per diem, too?"
SOME MEN SAY HE COULD DANCE!
They said he could DANCE, and, of course, THEY were right! Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it: THE STUDEBAKER HOCH DANCING LESSON & COSMIC PRAYER FOR GUIDANCE featuring Aynsley Dunbar, hit it!
Hey! Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly!
Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore . . . Hey!
RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
LEFT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
LEFT HAND FROM THE LEFT SHOULDER
TO THE HEART-Uh
Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore . . .
NOBODY can DANCE like STUDEBAKER HOCH! So many rumors have spread about STUDEBAKER HOCH! (A rumor . . . a rumor . . . ) Consider this rumor (a rumor . . . ), which was published (a rumor . . . ) about three weeks ago in ROLLING STONE!
Oh, it's gotta be true!
STUDEBAKER HOCH can write THE LORD'S Prayer on the head of a pin!
"NO!"
Do-do-do-do-do,
Doot-doot-do DO DO DO!
Do-do-do-do-do,
Doot-doot-do DO!
etc.
(I'm so HIP!)
BEEF PIES!
He was born next to the BEEF PIES,
Underneath JONI MITCHELL'S autographed picture,
Right beside ELLIOT ROBERTS' big Bank Book,
Next to the boat
Where CROSBY flushed away all his stash
And the cops
Got him in the boat and drove away
To THE CAN
Where Neil Young slipped another disc
FROZE-ing by the PIES!
FROZE-ing by the PIES!
FROZE-ing by the PIES!
(And that was the main influence on HIM!)
The influence of a Frozen Beef Pie!
Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife (who ran a modeling school), WHEREUPON HE . . . yes, HE ran around the back of 'THE BROADWAY' at Hollywood Boulevard and Vine to see if he could find himself some big large, un-used cardboard boxes (no shit!)
After which, he hit up the RALPH'S on Sunset for some 'AUNT JEMIMA SYRUP', some 'KAISER BROILER FOIL', and a pair of blunt scissors! Hey-hey!
Yes! Yes, and in the parking lot of RALPH'S, where "no prizes are lower prizes than RALPH'S," in the parking lot of RALPH'S (in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking), he cut out some really, really, really NICE WINGS, and he covered them thoroughly with foil!
Thorough-LY wi-TH (e-e-e-e-e) FOIL-L-L!
Then he took those 'WINGS' and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth . . .
YES!! Yes! And then he SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR! And he pulled down his blue denim policeman type trouser pants, and he spread even amounts of AUNT JEMIMA maple syrup all over the inside of his legs!
Soon the booth was filling with flies!
(Help me, help me, help me!)
He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in (Yes! Yeah!), and when each and every one of those little cocksuckin' flies had gone into his pants, and they were lapping up all that maple syrup, he bent over and he put his head between his legs and he said in a very clear, impressive, RON HUBBARD-type voice . . .
"NEW YORK!"
. . . and the booth and everything lifted up, out of the parking lot, and into the sky!
STUDEBAKER HOCH
YEAH, YEAH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STU-DE-BAKER HOCH!
STUDEBAKER HOCH
YEAH, YEAH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STU-DE-BAKER HOCH!
He's coating his legs
With AUNT JEMIMA syrup up and down!
His shorts'll be filled with flies
That will be buzzing all around!
Stoodlabaker Hoch:
He's really outa sight!
Stoodlabaker Hoch:
He does it every night!
Stoodlabaker Hoch:
He treats the flies all right
STOODLA-BAKER HOCH
That's why they never bite, hey!
(Please to New York!
Fly to New York!)
He could be a DOG
Or a FROG
Or a LESBIAN QUEEN!
(Fly to New York!)
He could be a NARK
Or a LADY MARINE!
Or he might play dirty!
He's OVER THIRTY!
(Getting old? Say! I don't know!)
His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause ETHELL is gone
They keep leading him on
'Cause ETHELL is gone
And THE MOUNTAIN she's on
And speaking of mountains, we'll join STUDEBAKER HOCH on the edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth. Take it away:
"Ah . . . ya, ya, ya, hey-ah BILLY, ah, listen . . . I've come to REASON with you! Our GREAT COUNTRY needs you in the Armed Forces! Your NUMBER came up . . . you can't go on running like this forever."
Oh! But ETHELL just shook her twigs angrily, but STUDEBAKER HOCH, calm, cool, collected, and UN-ferturbed, continued . . .
"Ya, well listen, you (cough cough) . . . listen, you COMMUNIST SON-OF-A-BITCH! You better get your ass down there for your fuckin' physical, or I'll see to it that you get used for FILL DIRT in some impending New Jersey MARSH RECLAMATION . . . and your girl-friend there will wind up disguised as a series of brooms, primitive ironing boards (or a DOG HOUSE) . . . get the (cough, cough), GET THE PICTURE?"
Yeah, well, BILLY just laughed:
"HO, HO, HO! If they think they're gonna draft ME, they're CRAZY!"
Unfortunately, because STUDEBAKER HOCH was standing on the edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth when the giant mountain laughed, STUDEBAKER HOCH lost his footing and fell, screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble below!
"Aaahhhhh . . . oh fuck, I'm gonna need a TRUSS . . . "
Oh, listen, that only goes to show you, and it'll show you once again that . . .
A Mountain is something
You don't wanna fuck with
You don't wanna fuck with
Don't fuck around
(Don't fuck around)
Don't fuck with BILLY (No!)
And don't fuck with ETHELL
(You saw what just happened
To the guy with the flies!)
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
With
Biddilly, Biddilly
Biddilly, Biddilly, Biddilly
BIDDILLY
THE
MOUNTIN-INNNNNNN!
(Eddie, are you kidding?)
Eddie, are you kidding?
[FZ:] Oh, I forgot to mention this is where we take our intermission, we'll see you in a few minutes . . .
(Thank you!)
[FZ:] We'll be back!
"He's Watching Us"
[Kensington Palace Hotel
1st script reading of "200 Motels"
January 18, 1971]
[Howard:] It's him, he's watching us!
[Mark:] You think he heard us?
[Ian:] I've been in the band for years, and . . . you can bet that he hears everything
[Jeff:] Let's go over and pretend to be nice to him
[Howard:] Let's go over and pretend we don't know he's watching
[Mark:] And ripping off all our good material
[Howard:] Hi, man
[Ian:] Hi, Frank
[Mark:] Hi, man
[Jeff:] Hi, Frank
[Aynsley:] Hi, man
[George:] Hi, Frank
[Mark:] Well, that's a great new comic song you wrote, that one about the penis and everything, I was laughing a lot while I was learning it
[Howard:] Yeah, Frank, uh, it was a little hard to get into it first, but, uh, once we got the drift . . .
[Jeff:] That's a real great part you got in there for the chorus when they go ran-tan-toon ran-ta-tan, while I steal the room and everything, I don't mind he's ripping it off so long I get paid . . .
[Mark:] Me too, I won't even care 'bout the part where it goes "what can I say about this elixir?" so long as me and Howard and Jeff get credit for special material, there's some bad ground acid . . . Aynsley, you can take it with a grain of salt, ha ha ha . . .
[Aynsley:] I don't mean to upset you, lads . . . I don't mean to upset you, lads, but the reason my retorts were so snappy is because he's making me do this, I should imagine he's making you do yours too, isn't he?
[Howard:] Get out of here, you creep, you used to live in his house!
[Aynsley:] See you later, lads
"If You're Not A Professional Actor"
[FZ:] If you're not a professional actor, the easiest thing for you to do, when you only have a week to make a movie is just to be yourself on the screen, so the lines that the people speak in the film, with the exception of some of the real fantasy characters like the Vacuum Cleaner, or the, or what Theodore Bikel says, are all based on the actual speech patterns and the lifestyle of the people who are in the group.
"He's Right"
[Kensington Palace Hotel
1st script reading of "200 Motels"
January 18, 1971]
[Mark:] Howard, he's right! Ha ha ha!
[Howard:] I know he is, you might as well admit it too, Simmons
[Jeff:] Alright, it's pathetic, he's making me do this, I can't help myself, suicide is imminent
[Mark:] By the time we actually get to doing this, man, it'll just be two reels
"Going For The Money"
[?:] Smurf mee!
[?:] Smurf meee!
[?:] Metz
[Jeff:] Right Howard?
[Howard:] Right Jeff, we're going for the money, all the way
"Jeff Quits"
[Jeff:] This is what I joined for. This I don't think is pretty good.
[FZ:] In other words, you don't wanna be in the movie
[Jeff:] Yeah
[FZ:] You're sure?
[Jeff:] Mm-mh
[FZ:] Is there anybody else that doesn't want to be in the movie? . . . Is there anything specific that you don't like about the script?
[Jeff:] No . . . in fact my part is the best part of the movie, I think . . .
[FZ:] You have the biggest part
[Jeff:] I didn't know how far this could go
[FZ:] And why do you think it went so far?
[Jeff:] It was probably boiled in ammonia
[Mark:] I'm curious to know why -like I asked you this morning-, why puts you out so much to do it, man? Unless you're just a little afraid that what you gotta say is too much what you'd say, anyway?
[Jeff:] It is what I'd say, it's exactly, it's there!
[Mark:] So you . . . why you're afraid to say to the people out there what you've been saying to us for months?
[Jeff:] I'm not afraid to say it to the people out there, I'm just afraid to be in this band anymore
[Mark:] Why?
[FZ:] The lines that are in this film are based on things I heard people say for years, all the way back to the very beginning, you know? I don't think anybody should have any objection to say any of those things, because you're playing yourself
[Jeff:] Should I trim the scene?
[FZ:] Sure
"A Bunch Of Adventures"
[FZ:] From the point that Jeff Simmons quit the group we had a bunch of adventures trying to find somebody to replace him. Non only for the bass parts in the music, but to play the role that he was supposed to play in the film, which is a pretty large part. And, uh, our first candidate for the role was Wilfrid Brambell, who played the grandfather in A Hard Day's Night. So Wilfrid came over, tried out for the part, everything was set, he rehearsed with us for about a week, and then one day came to the studio here and, completely freaked out, and said that he couldn't handle it anymore. So, we went into the dressing room and sat around with the guys in the band and tried to figure out what we're gonna do 'bout replacing the replacement, and the first person that walked through the door was Martin Lickert, who happened to be Ringo's driver, and, uh, everybody just turned and look at him and we went, "You!"
"Martin Lickert's Story"
[Martin:] I just went out to get some cigarettes for him one day and came back and walked into the dressing room and there's Frank and the rest of the Mothers and, uh, Ringo, the other people, and I walked in the room and they all went, "Yeah!" And, "Yeah what?" You know, "Would, would you like to try Jeff's part?" You know, so I just tried that, and it seemed to work okay
[Interviewer:] Mm-mmh . . .
[Martin:] So Frank said, "Would, you can play, play bass, you can try play into the group as well"
[FZ:] So he took the script and he read it and it sounded good and then just quite by accident, we found out that he was a bass player and that he's good for the part, is, uh, quite professional on screen and as a bass player he's not astonishing but, uh, he can make the parts
"A Great Guy"
[Howard:] Well, the character I play is a great guy, you see, right away that gives me a start. Uh, on the other hand, half of it's reality and half of it isn't, you know? Where the line is, it's sometimes even hard for the players to tell, you know. It's just, uh, when you look at your script some lines come easier than other lines, you know, and usually those are the ones that you've said before, but feel that you could say quite honestly, you know, and some other things were made up and it, it comes out that way
"Bad Acting"
[Mark:] Ever since you left the jazz world to seek fame and fortune in the rock'n'roll industry
[Martin:] Rock'n'roll! What d'ya mean rock'n'roll? This fucking band doesn't even play rock'n'roll, it's all that comedy crap
"The Worst Reviews"
[Howard:] From 200 Motels he expects the worst reviews of any movie ever put out, and I said, "Yeah, Frank? Why is that?" And he says, "Well, nobody's ready for it . . . " But it doesn't really matter, you know? He knows that the kids are gonna go see it, because it's a weird movie. By the time this jerky comes out, man, I mean, there still won't be anything out close to it
"A Version Of Himself"
[Mark:] Well uh . . . I play a v-, a version of myself a-, as Frank sees me, you know, like, you know what I mean?
[Interviewer:] No
[Mark:] It's not, uh, he sees the group from . . . like we see him from one point of view and he sees us from another place, this was written around like we're, you know, the folklore that each member had brought to create the image that we portray, like, uh, some of the scenes have happened before, specifically the, the hotel room scene where the group sits and talks about how Frank is not important to what the group is and . . . that scene I remember happening many times, uh, just the whole idea that it is Frank Zappa & The Mothers Of Invention has always given us something to talk about, you know, Frank is, you know, our boss and so there's always that kinda management, uh, worker relationship that, you know, that just happens, it isn't like you, you plan for it to happen, it just does . . .
"I Could Be A Star Now"
[Martin:] What do you do? You join the Mothers and you end up working for Zappa! And he makes you be a creep! You could have played the blues with John Mayall, or far-out exciting jazz with Blood, Sweat & Tears
[Don:] You really think so?
[Martin:] Look, no one'll ever take you seriously after this . . . how can they take you seriously? In this business you either gotta play the blues or sing with a high voice
[Don:] You're right, I never should have joined the Mothers, oh I . . . I could be a star now, oh . . .
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