1993 Ahead Of Their Time

1993 Ahead Of Their Time
"Prologue"
Once upon a time, musta been 'round October, few years back, in one o' dose TOP SECRET LABMO-TORIES de gubbnint keep stashed away underneath Virginia, an EVIL PRINCE, occasion'ly employed as a part-time THEATRICAL CRITICIZER set to woikin' on a plot fo de systematic GENOCIDICAL REMOVE'LANCE of all unwanted highly-rhythmic individj'lls an' sissy-boys!
De cocksucker done whiffed up a secret POTIUM . . . an' right 'long wid it, de ATROCIOUS IDEA dat what he been boilin' up down deahhhh jes' mights be de FINAL SOLUTIUM to DE WHITE MAIN'S 'BOIDENNN', ef yo' acquire my drift . . .
Well, he were sure he had a GOOD THING GOIN' . . . but, dere was always de possobility dat somethin' might fuck up, so, he planned to have a little test, jes' to check it all out befo' he dump't it in de wattuh supply.
Sho'tly denafter, wit HIGH-LEVEL GUBNINT COROBBERATIUM, he arranged to have a good-will visit to SAN QUENTIM, 'long wit some country-westin mu-zishnin's, 'n sprinkle a little bit of it on some of de boys in deahhh (since dey done used a few of 'em befo' when dey was messin' wit de ZYPH'LISS).
So, heah dey come wit de POTIUM, dump'nit all in de mash potatoes!
Den dey wen' up to de warden's office fo' some HOT TODDY, watchin' a little football while dey's waitin' to see what gone happen!
Fact o' de matter were: NOTHIN' HAPPENED, so dey went off'n dribbled it in a special shipnint of GALOOT CO-LOG-NUH dat went out 'bouts NOVEMBER!
Next thing y'know, fagnits be droppin' off like flies . . . 'long wit a large number of severely-tanned individj'lls, pre-zumnably of HAY'CHEN EXTRAKMENT!
But NOT DE BOYS IN DE REST HOME! Oh no! Mixin' de shit wit de mash potatoes done SMOOTHED IT OUT a little, so's it wouldn't KILL yo' ass, BUT, it sho' would make y'ugly! 'N ef y'was already UGLY, it'd make yo ass MEAN 'n UGLY . . . 'n ef you was already MEAN 'n UGLY, it'd turn ya into a strange, UNKNOWN KREETCHUH, never befo' seen on BROADWAY!
Thass right! It'd turn ya' into a 'MAMMY NUN'! Head like a potato . . . lips like a duck . . . big ol' hands, puffin' up! BIG ONES! Science! ME-jev'l re-LIJ-mus costumery all over yo' BODY! Yow! Oh yeah! Mmmm-hmmm!
"Progress?"
[?:] Donnie!
[Bunk:] Hey, put that down!
[Art:] What are you doin', man?
[Don:] SILENCE, you fools! Don't you believe in PROGRESS?
[Bunk:] Take that progress and stick it under a ROCK. He have to.
[Don:] We must overthrow the diatonic system.
([FZ:] Yes.)
[Art:] Bullshit.
[Don:] We're coming to the beginning of a NEW ERA wherein the development of the inner self will be the most important factor.
[Ian:] Donnie, your music is full of shit, and besides that it ain't disciplined.
[Don:] Listen . . .
[Bunk:] Give me four-four.
[Art:] Togetherness.
[Bunk:] Yeah.
[Ian:] Some old melodies.
[Don:] Look, playing . . .
[Art:] Put on a tie!
[Don:] Playing that kind of music and eating meat . . . will never, you'll never be able to see my aura then.
[Art:] I've seen your aura a lot, and it really stinks.
[Bunk:] You've been drinking, Don
[Ian:] I can hear your aura and it's bad, man.
[Don:] Listen, there are many strange things that science doesn't know.
[Art:] Fuck it.
[Ian:] Play any more
[Bunk:] Discipline, you need discipline.
[Don:] No . . .
[Bunk:] Four-four.
[Don:] It's got to be new, it's got to progress, it's got to evolve. THERE MUST BE GROWTH!
[Bunk:] Ah, man. My goodness . . .
[Don:] You've got to eat macrobiotic food.
([FZ:] We're doing a play.)
[Don:] And study astrology. Delve into the occult world.
[Ian:] Well you can delve all you want but we're formin' a new group . . . go, go and do you some yoga exercises.
[Don:] Look.
[Ian:] Take care of business there.
[Don:] Mark my words . . . If you continue playing this music something strange may happen.
[Bunk:] Don't threaten me . . .
([FZ:] By the end of the first show . . . )
[Don:] By the end of the first show . . . No, the second show.
[FZ:] So, at this point in the development of our plot the three talented members of the Mothers of Invention have quit the group to form their own band with a lot of discipline.
([Art:] Yeah.)
[FZ:] This is what we need, it's a nice disciplined combo!
[FZ:] And so that they would be completely packaged and fit in with the rest of the disciplined combo, the former members of the Mothers of Invention receive their initiation into the robot musical world.
[Don:] This makes me nervous I'm gonna go do some yoga.
[Ian:] Yeah, you'd better.
[FZ:] Meanwhile, Dom DeWild, under pressure, prepares to unwind with some healthy yoga exercises.
[FZ:] This is Euclid Motorhead Sherwood.
[Motorhead:] What's the matter with him?
[Ian:] He's nervous 'cause he couldn't play with our new group.
[Motorhead:] Oh, that's nice, look at all those suits.
[FZ:] Motorhead covets the uniforms of the other band. And also shows some interest in the bum of Underwood.
[Ian:] Ayyyy
[Motorhead:] Hey, ten years ago I knew a lot of guys that had suits like these. They're really nice. Hey can I play in the band and get a suit like that too?
[Ian:] No!
[Motorhead:] But I like the suits and I can play good. I can play . . . I can play anything.
[Ensemble:] BOO! BOO! BOO!
[FZ:] Motorhead is lying. He can't play good, he can't play anything. He's trying to con his way into the other band. He knows they don't want him.
[Bunk:] I heard you play before.
[Motorhead:] But I got practicing and play good.
[Ian:] No discipline.
[FZ:] He's lying. He hasn't been practicing, he doesn't do shit.
[Bunk:] Ask me you couldn't even count to four.
[Art:] Come on, beat it, man.
[Motorhead:] You can't do that to me, I'll fix you.
[Art:] Go ahead.
[Motorhead:] I'll get into your band. I'll get into your band.
[Bunk:] Okay Motorhead, just get out of the way.
[Motorhead:] You can't stop me, I'll get in there somehow.
[Ian:] Take a walk, you fruit.
[Motorhead:] There's no way you can stop me, I bet ya!
[FZ:] Motorhead explains to the members of the Robot Combo that nothing can stop him, he will join their group whether they like it or not.
"The Jimmy Carl Black Philosophy Lesson"
[FZ:] At this very moment Jimmy Carl Black the Indian of the group is approaching the stage. Jimmy Carl, who likes to drink and also likes to boogie all night long and who is also horny, approaches Underwood in his transformed state at the piano and asks him this all important question:
[JCB:] Hey I thought we were gonna play a Rock & Roll concert. What is this?
[Ian:] Jimmy Carl Black, Indian of the group: four-fours.
[JCB:] How are you gonna get laid if you dont play rock & roll and drink beer? You get laid after the concert if you play rock & roll, this kind of crap you're not gonna, you're not gonna get laid anyway with that uniform on. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna quit I'm gonna go out and hustle me some chick, the hell with you.
[Ian:] Jimmy, you need some discipline.
[JCB:] I'm leaving the group.
[Ensemble:] Boo! Boo!
[FZ:] Jimmy Carl, I must inform you, I must inform you, Jimmy Carl, for your own good, that here in London you're not gonna get any pussy unless you look like a popstar. Fix him up! . . . Mod Jacket . . .
([JCB:] Oh Jeezus . . . )
[FZ:] Frilly Mod Neckpiece, Jimi Hendrix wig, and a Feather Boa.
[JCB:] WAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
[FZ:] Jimmy Carl Black enters the audience to hustle some young ladies. Go on Jim, see if you can get any action, and if you get lucky fix us up too. And if you're really lucky, get something for the robots . . . Mmmm, their little mechanical things are going up and down, up and down . . .
"Holding The Group Back"
[FZ:] Then, from out of the corner from the stage, comes Roy Ralph Estrada, perturbed at the present situation within the Mothers.
[Roy:] Domino, Domino, Domino Biz-bo-OH,
Domino Biz-bo-OH, Amen, Domino Biz-bo, Hallelujah, eh . . .
[Ian:] Et cum spiritu tuo . . .
[Roy:] Ian, I don't think I qualify for the Mothers
([FZ:] They're making up their lines as they go along, isn't it thrilling?)
[Ian:] Why, Roy?
[Roy:] Because I don't think I'm qualified. I think, I think I'm holding the group back because I'm a MEXICAN. And also because I don't play bass good.
[Ian:] I don't care how you can play bass but we have NO MEXICANS in this group.
[Roy:] And I wanna join your group.
[Ian:] No Mexicans!
[Roy:] I can sing opera, I have already quit, I cut my hair, I got all my shit together here. I can do it.
[Ian:] I don't care how you look you gotta be able to cut the part.
[Roy:] I can sing. Please. Please, Ian, give me a CHANCE.
[Ian:] I don't believe you can sing.
[Roy:] Ah, PLEASE! Ah, Ian, please, hear my PLEA! PLEASE, IAN! PLE-E-E-EASE! I can do it, give me a CHANCE! PLEASE! Please, IAN!
([FZ:] Try me!)
[Roy:] BWAH-AH-AH-AH! Please!
[Ian:] Okay Mexican
[Roy:] Please?
[Ian:] Okay Mexican
[Roy:] Okay.
[Ian:] Sing this note:
[Roy (with JCB):]
You think everything gonna be alright.
[Ian:] Okay. You passed the first part of your audition. Now you gotta sing . . .
[Roy:] Mi, mi, mi, mi . . .
"Holiday In Berlin"
Poo-lah
Poo-la-ah poo-lah
Poo-da poo-lah poo-lah poo-oo-lah
Wee-ooo-wee-ooo-eee-eee-ooo-ooo
Ah-ah-ah ah-aaah-ah-aaah
Aa-aa-ah aa-ah
Wee-ooo-wee-ooo
Aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aah
[Ensemble:] BOOH! BOOH!
"The Rejected Mexican Pope Leaves The Stage"
[FZ:] The rejected Mexican pope leaves the stage.
[Ensemble:]
TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
ONE, TWO, THREE . . .
[FZ:] Motorhead is attempting to join the band . . . The band . . . Undaunted, the band plays on.
"Undaunted, The Band Plays On"
[FZ:] Meanwhile, the snack enters the mind of Dom DeWild.
[Ensemble:]
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
[FZ:] It's the macro-biotic food.
[Don:] HA HA HA HA HA!
[Ensemble:] THREE! FOUR! . . . TWO! TWO!
[FZ:] While the well disciplined Ian Underwood plays his piano solo. Dom DeWild, transformed, begins to sneak up on him.
[Ensemble:] BOOH . . . BOOH . . . BOOH . . .
"Agency Man"
Sell us a president, agency man
Smiling Big Brother, stern father perhaps
Sell us a president, agency man
A gay smiling nothing we know never craps
Let's try California,
(Pay us first before we do it!)
We'll get a smilin' nazi
And march him right on through
Rent a baby
Kiss a baby
Ladies in for tea
And here's a bunch of speeches
We'll toss 'em in for free
Sell us a president, agency man
Smiling Big Brother, stern father perhaps
Sell us a president, agency man
A gay smiling nothing we know never craps
We'll sell him in the movies
On the tube throughout the year
We'll sell him by the buckets
To the Okies drinking beer
We'll teach him how to walk and talk
We'll putty up his chin
We'll print his picture everywhere
Of course the SCHMUCK will win
From the heart of old Death Valley
To the ruling of our land
A simple trick, you simple pigs
Just the way we planned
"Help, I'm A Rock"
Help, I'm a rock
Help, I'm a rock
Help, I'm a rock
Help, I'm a rock
Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah
Ay-yo ee-ow-ee-ow-ee
Veni-ma-no too mah
Veni veni ka toree tor (see'dra votra nee!)
Vedi-vedi ki-ta-la tom-bay
Vel-lay ka-la tay-la-tor
Vel-lay kay-la ta-la-sor
Vel-lay kay-lay ka-la-tor
Vel-lay kay-la sa-la-tay
Vor-a kor-ay tor-a-tor
Vel-la kay-la sa-la tch'ay
Vor-a kor-ay kay-a la kur'ad
Vor-a silli kay-t'ay tcha-to
Vor-a kay-ay tay-lay tay-ay tcha-to
Klanna-tholl
Klanna-tholl
Klanna-tholl
Pik-a-dill-a do-tchay
Pik-a-li-sa no-say (o-ooh)
Bi-ni-bi-ni me-ho-la-ka ta-ka-ho-ba
Say-kay pay-tay-ho-a-la tur-i-ca (Mee-oo-da-ra)
Chil-li pil-li ka-zi-o-bi-a bee bee bee bee (Do-dee-bop)
You know...(a-mad hee)
(Arrrrreeeeeeeeeeeee...)
Oooooooooooaaaaaaaaaa...
OOOOaaaaaaaaaaa.........(ah, hah)
O-wee ya yo yo yo a-ki-o wee
A-ki-o-ka a-yi-a-ee
A-ki-o-ka o-ki-o-wee
A-ki-o-ka o-ki-o-wee
A-ki-o-ka o-ki-o-wee
A-ki-o-ka o-ki-o-wee
A ki-o-ka o-wee-say ya-vo
Pedi-goh
Pedi-koh
Ann-i tcho-ee-see-na
Per-a-ko-ee-say
Kar-ra
May-a-ta
Uh-oh
Uh-oh
Uh-oh
Uh-oh
Uh-oh
Hay-lo
Pray-lo
Say la do sa ka ho-say
Vay-lay ko say-let-a-no
Vay-la ka sa la to-shay
Va-la ko-lo-tay
Ay-o
Lay-o
Lay-o
Aaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaa
O-ha o-ha yew
Ah-yew
Lay la-fan
ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah
Help, I'm a rock!
Help, I'm a rock!
Help, I'm a rock!
Somebody!
Help, I'm a rock!
Please!
Help, I'm a rock!
Please!
Help, I'm a rock!
Please!
Help, I'm a rock!
Wow!
Help, I'm a rock!
Wow!
Help, I'm a rock!
Help, I'm a rock!
Somebody helps me
Wow, man, it's a drag being a rock
(Help, I'm a rock)
(Help, I'm a rock)
(Help, I'm a rock)
I wish I was anything but a rock
Heck, I'd even like to be a policeman
Hey, you know what?
You know maybe if I practice, you know
Maybe if I pass my driving test
I could get a gig drivin' that bus that pick the freaks up
In front of Ben Frank's, right?
Help, I'm a cop!
Help, I'm a cop!
Help, I'm a cop!
Help, I'm a cop!
(Help, I'm a rock)
Help, I'm a cop!
(Help, I'm a rock)
It's a drag being a cop
I think I'd rather be the mayor
Always wondered what I was gonna be when I grew up, you know
Always wondered whether or not . . . whether or not I could make it
You know, in society, because,
You know, it's a drag when you're rejected
So I tore the cover off a book of matches
And I sent in
And I got this letter back that said . . .
"Pound For A Brown"
[FZ:] Thank you Don.
[Don Pardo:] Hey, Frank! Hey, I did it, Frank . . . Yay, we did it! Didn't we?
[FZ:] That's right, we did it
[Don Pardo:] Yay, yay, yay
[FZ:] And for our next number . . .
"Sleeping In A Jar"
It's the middle of the night
And your mommy & your daddy are sleeping
It's the middle of the night
And your mommy & your daddy are sleeping
SLEEPING
MOM & DAD ARE SLEEPING
SLEEPING IN A JAR . . . (the jar is under the bed)
"Let's Make The Water Turn Black"
[includes a fragment from Ronnie Sings]
Now believe me when I tell you that my song is really true
I want everyone to listen and believe
It's about some little people from a long time ago
And all the things the neighbors didn't know
Early in the morning Daddy Dinky went to work
Selling lamps & chairs to San Ber'dino squares
And I still remember Mama with her apron & her pad
Feeding all the boys at Ed's Cafe!
Whizzing & pasting & pooting through the day . . .
(Ronnie helping Kenny helping burn his poots away!)
And all the while on a shelf in the shed:
KENNY'S LITTLE CREATURES ON DISPLAY!
Ronnie saves his numies on a window in his room
(A marvel to be seen: dysentery green)
While Kenny & his buddies had a game out in the back:
LET'S MAKE THE WATER TURN BLACK
We see them after school in a world of their own
(To some it might seem creepy what they do . . . )
The neighbors on the right sat & watched them every night
(I bet you'd do the same if they was you)
Whizzing & pasting & pooting through the day . . .
(Ronnie helping Kenny helping burn his poots away!)
And all the while on a shelf in the shed:
KENNY'S LITTLE CREATURES ON DISPLAY!
Ronnie's in the Army now & Kenny's taking pills
Oh! How they yearn to see a bomber burn!
Color flashing, thunder crashing, dynamite machine!
(Wait till the fire turns green . . . wait till the fire turns green)
WAIT TILL THE FIRE TURNS GREEN!
This would be a little bit of vocal teen-age heaven, right here on Earth!
[Ronnie Williams: (backwards)] Dodn-do-do-dodn-dodn-dodn-dada
"Harry, You're A Beast"
I'm gonna tell you the way it is
And I'm not gonna be kind or easy
Your whole attitude stinks, I say
And the life you lead is completely empty
You paint your head
Your mind is dead
You don't even know what I just said
THAT'S YOU: AMERICAN WOMANHOOD!
You're phony on top
You're phony underneath
You lay in bed & grit your teeth
MADGE, I WANT YOUR BODY!
HARRY, GET BACK!
MADGE, IT'S NOT MERELY PHYSICAL!
HARRY, YOU'RE A BEAST!
Don't come in me, in me
Don't come in me, in me
Don't come in me, in me
Don't come in me, in me
MADGE, I . . . MADGE . . . I COULDN'T HELP IT . . .
I . . . DOGGONE IT!
"The Orange County Lumber Truck (Part II)"
[includes a quote from King Kong]
[FZ:] I've been informed that when the guy comes out that beats the gong we have to stop playing, because the subways around here shut down early. We'd like to thank you very much for coming to our concert and say goodnight. Nighty night, thank you.
[Ian:] Thank you!